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As she took her last breath in my arms, I looked up and a feather fell from the ceiling of the room and I knew she was safe. I had kissed her constantly and told her I loved her with all my heart, nothing we could do was going to stop this happening, we had chosen to end her life and yet there she was wagging her tail at us. Mollie our gorgeous Basset Hound had left us, what were we to do, she was our baby? Nothing could have prepared us for the endless tears and sadness that was to come. In the few days between her fit and waiting for her scan, see was quiet, not herself and I had that gut wrenching churning where I knew this was not going to end well. On the days when it was just her and me, she would follow me around and I can remember quite clearly how she looked up the stairs at me on that Monday morning...I knew exactly what she was asking of me....Please Mum, please let me go, as if she wanted my permission to go. Of course I give you permission to run free my darling girl, I Love you. The scan had showed a mass on her liver and the Vet said that the options were to cut her open and then give her chemotherapy and radiotherapy....I asked how long would that give her...just a few months was the reply. The tears were falling and I said NO...I am not putting her through that, she is too precious. Within a few hours we were saying goodbye to her, we will never forget this day, for as long as we both shall live and as I write this two and half years later I have more than a lump in my throat. We would have her back in a heartbeat. Mollie had given us years of unconditional love and joy, not just us but many others too, why would I want to keep her here in pain and unable to do the things she once loved...it would have been for very selfish reasons, it would have been for us, not her. Grief appears to show no mercy, it doesn`t matter if your pockets are lined with gold or you are living on the streets, whether it is your very first pet or maybe your very last, it will hit you like a ton of bricks and comes unexpectedly out of the blue and nothing or nobody can prepare you for the devastation it will bring. A cherished dog is reliable, trustworthy and they `get you`, their love is unconditional, they give joy and they are capable of healing without words, for some they are their only form of companionship and affection, so when the words `but it`s just a dog`, is thrown across the room at you, it is hurtful, disrespectful and a careless use of words...for only a dog lover will understand this loss. The house was empty, no waggy tail or slobbery kiss when returning home, empty dog bowls and collars and leads that lay empty on the floor. Dog beds that are redundant and yet still have the aroma of your beloved four legged friend. At the end of the day, exhausted we would lay in each other`s arms and cry ourselves to sleep, this in itself was healing, for we were sharing and grieving for our gorgeous girl together but life goes on and the rawness of it all dwindles, there is not a day that I don`t think about her but to date I can`t face having another dog, tempted as I am but it feels like a betrayal to her but you never know...One day...can you hear that husband...maybe! x

November 26, 2017

August 7, 2017

One sunny afternoon back in the 60`s when I was about seven years old, I was playing in my Maternal Nan`s back garden and I was suddenly drawn to an old enamel bread bin, you know, the sort of thing that is back in vogue now.

It was lying dormant behind the garden shed...

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